Glue + Genitals = Bad Idea

I was browsing Vice’s Motherboard blog and saw the story, Please Don’t Glue Your Labia Shut. What’s this? I ask, gluing your labia together? Why for fuck’s sake would anyone do this? What could possibly be the benefit to pasting the old cooter together? Intrigued and mortified at the same time, and clenching my legs together protectively, I clicked on the link.

logowhite

According to Vice:

Wichita-based chiropractor Daniel Dopps’ created Mensez, a product named for a pun on “menses” but definitely also a good pun for “men says.” It’s a combination of amino acids and natural oils in a lipstick applicator, according to his product website. He claims that it seals one’s labia minora shut, trapping all of that icky lady business inside, and dissolves when it comes in contact with urine.

Who the hell would want all of that sloshing around inside all day? Actually I would be afraid of undoing the glue. Wouldn’t it hurt? Supposedly your urine would make the glue dissolve. But isn’t the urethral opening in front of the labia? How would the urine get inside where the labial lips are glued together? So many questions and I see Kavin Senapathy over at Forbes has many of the same questions.

This has got to be a joke right? Actually Daniel Dopps patented his “invention”.

Yeah, this sounds like a joke, but it’s real enough for Dopps to have filed a patent for his miracle product in January. “Our products are still in development and will be available some time in 2017,” Mensez Technologies’ website states. “Check with your favorite retailer and ask them watch for and stock Mensez.” We’ve reached out to Dopps to confirm these plans and will update if he responds.

And the name “Mensez”, sounds rather like Men says. And on his now defunct Facebook page, he is extremely condescending to women, but at the same time seems incredibly ignorant how lady parts work.

He easily corroborated this charge in a response to one visitor’s comment on the Mensez Facebook page, in which he explained that “[Y]ou as a woman should have come up with a better solution than diapers and plugs, but you didn’t. Reason being women are focused on and distracted by your period 25% of the time, making them far less productive than they could be. Women tend to be far more creative than men, but their periods that [sic] stifle them and play with their heads.” Dopps added over the phone that “a lot of the LGBT community, lesbians in particular, are furious at me because I’m a white straight man.”

Dr Jen Gunter, OB/GYN, has a blog dealing with women’s issues has a great takedown:

So no, a Kansas chiropractor has likely not invented Post-it Notes glue for the labia. However, if it is as amazing as he claims I would love to see a video or him using it on his own lips. How he gets the urine up there is, of course, his business.

So I read the linked articles, and me and my vajayjay now feel reassured that this substance (most likely imaginary) will never make it to market. Dopps is now claiming that his Facebook page has been hacked and that is why it has been shutdown. Like that is the real reason. It probably has to do with the wide mockery about his product from women.

Advertisements

Imitating Alex Jones

A new character on Showtime’s Homeland seems to be modeled on Alex Jones, the host of rightwing conspiracy site InfoWars.

Franny is going to have the weirdest teen years. “Casus Belli” opens with Quinn’s new pal “Fake Alex Jones” yelling hoarse accusations on air at Madame President-Elect Keane regarding the now infamous Sekou van explosion and the ever looming threat of general terror. This actor really spun together a vividly inspired and unique take on “unhinged radio personality.” Our host of “Real Truth” has a voice like 30 years of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and the emo hair and dad sweater of a man trying to stay relevant in 2017. Oddly enough, and by no fault of Homeland, it still isn’t as weird as the actual Alex Jones yelling about the actual president. This is just going to be a recurring phenomenon in Homeland from here on out, I suspect.

The following is an example of the real Alex Jones, who may be far more bizarre then anything come up with by a writer or actor. He’s a man who believes in aliens taking over the government, chemtrails, foreign infiltration of the government, and any other delusional crap he can come up with. He also promoted PizzaGate and thinks Hillary Clinton is the Anti-Christ and demon possessed.

According to RawStory:

After calling it “not a very good imitation,” Jones admitted that some people actually think he’s on the show now.

Even Jones admitted that the character is not a very good imitation of him. He’s right, there’s no amount of acting that can accurately portray that amount of whacked out delusion. And those viewers of his who think he is on Homeland, wow, not even existing in the same reality as the rest of us.

Lucky Friday the 13th

I have always ignored the Friday the 13th superstition. In fact I received some very good news today. A skin biopsy was not melanoma. Whew, what a relief.

The Twelve Steps of Christmas

I bought a box of Christmas cards at Target with the following on the front :

The 12 Steps of Christmas

  1. Admit you are powerless over Christmas, and that your life has become unmanageable.
  2. Believe that a power greater than consumer credit can restore you to sanity.
  3. Decide to turn your will and life over to Santa as you understand him.
  4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your material desires.
  5. Admit to Santa, to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your size, color preferences, and taste in furniture.
  6. Allow Santa to remedy all defects of your bank account.
  7. Humbly ask Santa to payoff your mortgage.
  8. Make a list of everything you want, and be willing to read the instruction manuals.
  9. Cite model numbers and retail locations wherever possible, except when doing so would require an internet search.
  10. Continue to take personal inventory, and when you think of something else you need, add it to the list.
  11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with Santa as you understand him, praying only for knowledge of his gifts for you and the power to open them quickly.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, carry Santa’s message to friends and family every Christmas.

My personal favorite is #3. If I ever find myself looking towards a higher power, it will be Santa. Unlike other gods, Santa actually delivers. I actually find gifts under my tree every year.

Creepy Christmas Tree Ornament

I get sale catalogs in the mail. HarrietCarter.com has this amazingly tacky Christian ornament. The ornament claims that spending the holidays with Jesus is better than with family. This brings up a few questions I have. How do they know that the holidays are better in heaven? How do they even know there is a heaven at all? How do they know Jesus is in heaven? How do they know Granny is in heaven? After all, perhaps she was a crack whore in her younger days. Or even worse, perhaps she mixed linen and cotton while knitting. Maybe she’s burning in the fiery pits of hell, being sodomized by demons. Perhaps HarrietCarter.com needs to sell an ornament for that.

Merry Chistmas from Hell … I love you dearly, Now don’t shed a tear, I’m spending my Christmas being sodomized by demons this year.