Hanging out with Fellow Godless Bitches over at Ravelry


I’ve spent the better part of the past week laughing my ass off reading a monster thread of nearly 3000 posts over at Ravelry.com. The Lazy, Stupid, and Godless (LSG) group has the most amazing thread trashing trashy romances (I think you have to be registered to view forums over there). The thread is entitled Mermaid Angel Romance Novel From Hell. I’ve never laughed so hard in years.

Here’s how the thread starts:

I started reading a book about an angel who gets a wing lopped off and falls into the sea, where he commences banging the shit out of a mermaid, bondage style. I mentioned it on another thread, and now that there is mroe ridiculousness, I have to share it.

So far the book as suggested the following

  1. Global warming is a war between good and bad angels
  2. Angels jizz rainbows
  3. Angels have cocks and like to fuck womens after battles to heal themselves. Said cock is described as having “a head like a dragon’s”
  4. Terrible metaphors involving seahorses
  5. FAR TOO MANY mentions of children/infants during the sex
  6. Fucking a mermaid in the cloaca
  7. Catching mermaid on fire during fucking

With a plot like this you know I just had to find out more about this literary masterpiece. Here are a few more highlights from the thread.

If she can turn into a person at will why is he boinking her in the fishhole? I’m confused…

And…

I have another nominee for the LSG Book Club–“Love Slave,” by Bertrice Small. It’s got the double-stereotype-fulfiller of the “fiery redheaded Scottish vixen” and somewhere, I guess there’s a sheik and a harem.

All I know iz: we read the first few pages aloud at work. A chick gives birth, naked, on a table. A dude comes in and gives her her now-deceased husband’s severed penis (war trophy, donchaknow?). He stares at her (naked, laboring) body lustfully. She pops out a placenta.

I’m all about sex. And nature. But nowhere in my life is sex ever, EVER enhanced by placenta

And …

The mermaid can apparently also turn into a pixie. She is now giving the angel a very tiny hand job.

His precum was referred to as “a gift from his body.” She then proceed to rub it all over her torso. He is now asking that she hump his dick (she’s about the height of a hand, now) so he “can feel the tiny stickiness.”

What.

And…

It’s been my experience that if a man can fuck you in the cloaca, he doesn’t want to fuck you in the mouth.

And…

She uses a lot of fancy words incorrectly.

And there is no buttsecks either. She had it all set up for hot buttsecks between two of the angels, but now one of them is all into one of the mermaid’s buddies. Apparently they get their very own sequel, which I may have to read for you guys, since she is an octopus down below instead of a fish!

And…

Maybe she’ll look like this..

funny pictures

And…

I hope and pray that her final form is corpse by the side of the road.

AM I CLOSE?

And…

I kinda wish someone would buy it for me! Of course, it wouldn’t be quite as magical now that I know every intricate twist and turn of this book’s fascinating trainwreck-esque plot, but still. Oh! I know!! Someone could buy me another book by the same author that I know nothing about! I’m sure as a “national bestselling author” she must have written other novels filled with depraved mythical sex fantasies. Maybe there’s a book about fairies putting on a donkey show with centaurs or a unicorn fucking Satan in the ass or something.

And…

Wow. This bitch needs therapy, or an exorcism, or something. Dear god! This is what she writes about – can you imagine what her dreams are like??

And…

Don’t forget “pixie-frotteurizing”

How I wish I had never read that scene.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The thread that keeps on giving.

Update:

Thanks to Rebecca in the comments. Here’s a couple of links: Longmire Does Romance Novels and the Naughty Covers from Longmire.

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2 Replies to “Hanging out with Fellow Godless Bitches over at Ravelry”

  1. Long-time reader, first-time commenter!Have you ever seen < HREF="http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/" REL="nofollow">Longmire Does Romance Novels<>? They take trashy romance novel covers and apply more appropriate titles to them. At first, when I glanced at the picture in this post, I thought it was going to be one of my favorite covers from there (keep clicking from that page to find the < HREF="http://worldoflongmire.com/features/romance_novels/readers_naughty_covers.htm" REL="nofollow">“naughty” covers<>): “Darling, Where’s the Hole?”

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